


“Do you really think Bigfoot exists?”

by Am0ka



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, TAZ Amnesty, a small mention of trans Duck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-07-02 03:13:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15787788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Am0ka/pseuds/Am0ka
Summary: Duck has a bad day and takes it out on unsuspecting tourists.





	“Do you really think Bigfoot exists?”

Duck sprang to attention when he heard the tall woman say Bigfoot. He should have expected people discussing various cryptids in The Cryptonomica (duh), but he never could help himself eavesdropping. He moved a little closer to the pair, looking at the skeleton of a three-headed dog. (If Duck was paying any attention to what he was looking at he would have noticed that the two additional necks were inexpertly hot glued to the sides of the original.)

“I’m just saying Bigfoot would be ideal,” the tall woman continued. She maybe wasn’t that tall but once you’re Duck’s height, everybody seems tall. “Warm in the winter, the best cuddler, would definitely hold the door for you. And he’d be a certified beast in the sack.”

“And you know what they say about big feet,” the tall woman’s companion choked out through her laughter and the tall woman burst out too, wiping away her tears.

Now, Duck isn’t a confrontational person, but he had a long day. His morning exercise with Beacon left him with a pulled trapezoid and mocking jokes, he had to persuade a suburban mother with a let-me-talk-to-your-manager haircut to not let her kids feed the wildlife, he spent the rest of his day inside doing paperwork (admittedly because he was neglecting it and it came back to bite him in the ass but that’s neither here nor there), and now Ned was running late and he had to wait for him and listen to... honestly just two people having fun.

But when you’re in a rotten mood you don’t want to see people around you having fun.

“Hey,” Duck said before he could stop himself.

“Hi,” the tall woman replied after a beat.

“Do you really think Bigfoot exists?”

There was another beat during which the two women looked at each other. Duck could have remembered sharing that look with his female friends from before he transitioned, the look of “oh no this strange man is trying to hit on me”, but he was far too deep in his own head to recognize it. “I mean...”

“Because if you DO think Bigfoot exists, you either want to fuck an animal, which is _illegal_ , or you’re objectifying a thinking creature, which is just wrong!”

The two women no longer thought Duck was hitting on them. “Dude, what’s your problem?” The tall woman stepped forward in an attempt to shield her friend from whatever else Duck could throw their way.

That made Duck sober up. “God, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to...” he started to back away from them in the same way he would back away from a bear, only to walk into someone massive enough to resemble said bear. It was Ned Chicane, obviously silently losing his shit, and in that moment Duck wished the ground would swallow him whole.

“My friend here,” Ned’s huge, paw-like hand fell on Duck’s shoulder, the golden rings pressing into the flesh, “just has somewhat unhealthy obsession with Bigfoot; you must forgive him, ladies.”

Oh god. Duck hides his reddening face in his hand. “I’m really sorry.”

“We’re closing up around here anyways, but you can have a look around the gift shop if you want to.” Ned was now pulling Duck behind him, as if he and his personality could make the two women forget about Duck basically attacking them in his establishment. To be honest, if anyone could do that just by the power of their personality, it was Ned Charming Bastard Chicane, so Duck was thankful for his presence. “If you’re really interested in attracting Bigfoot, we have something for that...” Ned had lead the two laughing women into the other room and Duck could finally breathe again.

Ned walked back into the main hall of Cryptonomica only a few moments later, the two women satisfied with their purchase of a bottle opener and a Bigfoot plushie. Ned ordered those before he ever met the real deal but they were surprisingly accurate.  When he approached Duck he was trying to look concerned but laughter was still dancing around his eyes. “Hey, buddy, what’s eating at you?”

The hand was back on Duck’s shoulder but this time Duck was expecting it, even hoping for it. “Yeah, I’m just.” Duck rubbed his face, the scruff that begged for a trim and the eyes that will soon need reading glasses, and sighed. “You know when you hear people talking shit about your friends and you can’t help yourself?”

Ned hummed in understanding and patted Duck on his shoulder, then moved his arm across both of them. “Come on, let’s get a beer. You’re paying because if you didn’t freak those two out I could probably get rid of some of the Bigfoot lure I have stocked up.”

“Ned!”

“It’s just lavender water and diluted ammonia - you can’t attract shit with that.”

**Author's Note:**

> this isn't the most in-character Duck story but it's a story that just wouldn't leave me alone. I hope you enjoy :)


End file.
